he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
