I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
