You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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