we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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