38 yer olds are good kisserssss
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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