i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
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