I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
