all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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