Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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