My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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