If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
