we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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