I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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