Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
