I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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