Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
