in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
