Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
