you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
