I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
