I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
