flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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