In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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