You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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