My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
my liver is dry heaving
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
