I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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