my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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