I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
All I want is dick and wine.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
