They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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