Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
