dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
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Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
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But break dance skills will only take you so far
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I did not marry a roomba.
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