You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
