You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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