The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
