Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
