I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
