exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
