Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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