Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
