I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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