look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
