If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I did not marry a roomba.
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