i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
