Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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