Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
