He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
