Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
