I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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