mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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