Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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