i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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