Even the bartender felt bad for me
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
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Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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