I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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