Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
