I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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