I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
