why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
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Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
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Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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