Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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