so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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