Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
